Mood:Good
Song of choice: “Push it” by Garbage( Shirley!)
Topic Ramble Ramble Ramble
Lisette had something important come up in Jacksonville so she’s going to handle that so no movie today, but that’s all right. I mean I know it had to be something big for her to go. I hope no one’s hurt or anything.
Well anyway with this newly presented time to think…my mom started to tell me about the latest news from her side of the family. I always get kinda depressed when she does that. You see I have 5 aunts on her side and 2 uncles and let me tell you some stories and you’ll see why. My eldest Aunt has an unfaithful husband whose family encourages him to leave her. My eldest uncle’s wife snapped recently and is now in an asylum and his eldest son is an alcoholic and tried to kill his wife by hanging her…by the way he’s like 20. Another one of my Aunts also has an unfaithful husband and she’s been married twice and has 3 daughters. Next my other uncle’s divorced and has had 3 bad girlfriends and his only son is completely stupid. Another one of my aunts has never been married and she’s almost 50. Then another one of my aunts has 3 kids but never takes care of them. And then the other aunts been married like 3 times.
I mean I have this thing where…you’re past kinda dictates your present. I already have a healthy phobia of having a relationship since I messed up one. I mean its kinda fear of abandonment but also something more. I mean I really don’t want to get married and then have this idiot sleeping around because I have no patience for that kinda shit. You know once was enough thank you. Then I was talking to my mom and she was criticizing my cousin for living with a man without being married. I was like hell yes that’s my plan. I mean look I can’t even fathom the thought of having a boyfriend people. Like I’m super close to Dan and people assume that were together but nope nope we’re not. I’m sure it could work if we tried really hard but—I have phobias as does he so we run the show this way. I mean that’s me 30 years old living with a guy for the last like 10 years and still not married! I mean no no couldn’t deal with being married and then being left oh hell no. I mean my thinking is as such that if I’m not labely attached to someone then it’s not so bad you know. Like (I’m using Dan because he’s the only male friend I have over here so he’s just the easiest thing.) if Dan went off and turned into a man slut and got stupid it would bother me sure but hey I’m not his girlfriend so he doesn’t have to answer or explain himself to me. That applies to all my male friends I’m not their mom I’m not their girlfriend and thus they don’t have to explain any of their actions to me. But also Just like if I decided to turn into a slut or something they can be mad but I don’t have to answer to them because they’re not my boyfriend you know. It’s like a self defense thing I guess but if your married, or together as a boyfriend/girlfriend deal(which is like the easy bake oven of relationships—marriage being the real stove) then oh hell yes you owe me a freakin’ explanation you know?
And people you really don’t want to see Kim pissed and jealous no no no. I lived like all of 9th grade and a good part of 10th that way and it was not pretty people. I mean I’m dangerous when I get that way. To myself and others. I mean those were dark dark dark days I mean I was RECKLESS I didn’t care about anything. My grades got shot to hell and I was angry all the time and I really don’t want to be that way ever again. I was a wounded animal and I was just looking to kill anybody didn’t matter for what. In all seriousness it’s just not something I wanna go through again. I mean since OBVIOUSLY women in my family have bad luck with men and no no not me. Not me oh no! Maybe we just have bad taste in men like the wounded fucked up type…or maybe we’re all masochists….or maybe all strong males are jerks..hmmm….
Hahah you guys feel the paranoia? Oh yeah and then I have this thing where if a guy gets too close to me emotionally I reject them. I sabotage myself. Seriously and it is sad to see. Like if you don’t mean to much to me I’ll let you down easy but Like if I really liked you—you’re in trouble. I will demolish you. Destroy you to save you. It’s sad really it is and I’ve only found two other people wired that way. Josh and Dan. I mean that’s why me and Dan are so close it’s really odd because one of our little jokes when we talk to one another and are having a serious conversation is I could kill you just as easily as you could kill me. That’s basically that concept of wow I really trust this person that’s not good. But the thing is this our usual tactic won’t work because we’ll both react the same way so we’re both screwed you know?
And I’m that way with all of my friends too. Like I don’t think I would ever do this to Peter but if one day I thought he and I were too close(which…closer I can’t imagine unless we were the same person) then I would destroy him. And I’d hate myself but if I got spooked I would do it. I can’t explain why I do it to you guys. But I know I do it.
You see what you did Lisette! You gave me all this time to think and look. I’m actually writing this all in a good mood oh God that can’t be good right. Oh well I mean I’m not sad or anything I’m just kinda looking at myself and seeing where the wires got crossed.
Hmm…well yes this was your dose of Kim’s malfunctions. Jonnell is making me a birthday present ^-^ I have no clue what of though she gave me this clue though
It’s her version of me. Neato in a very Jonnell way. Jonnell is lots of fun. I remember when I first met her and she asked me what I wanted for my birthday I told her a book of her poems. LoL maybe that’s what she’s making! Anyway yeah that one poem I put up a long time ago (Antieuphoria) was a collaboration piece between me and her that we did during graduation test. We did it like in chunks and then we rearranged our chunks to make it make sense it turned out good to us since we’ve never worked with other people before. I like talking to her…she’s like 2 maybe 3 years older than me but I can sit and talk to her until the moon crashes…I don’t think we’ve ever had an argument…yupe lol I tell her stuff at random…it’s weird like stuff that people forever harass me about like why I wear two crosses and why I act the way I do and my speech pattern things people won’t shut up about Jonnell never asks but she gets the reasons straight outta no where. It’s weird….
By the way I’m writing this in word because blogger is mad at me so I started this morning and I just kinda add to it whenever I come by here so yes…that’s why it’s so long.
Song of choice: “Push it” by Garbage( Shirley!)
Topic Ramble Ramble Ramble
Lisette had something important come up in Jacksonville so she’s going to handle that so no movie today, but that’s all right. I mean I know it had to be something big for her to go. I hope no one’s hurt or anything.
Well anyway with this newly presented time to think…my mom started to tell me about the latest news from her side of the family. I always get kinda depressed when she does that. You see I have 5 aunts on her side and 2 uncles and let me tell you some stories and you’ll see why. My eldest Aunt has an unfaithful husband whose family encourages him to leave her. My eldest uncle’s wife snapped recently and is now in an asylum and his eldest son is an alcoholic and tried to kill his wife by hanging her…by the way he’s like 20. Another one of my Aunts also has an unfaithful husband and she’s been married twice and has 3 daughters. Next my other uncle’s divorced and has had 3 bad girlfriends and his only son is completely stupid. Another one of my aunts has never been married and she’s almost 50. Then another one of my aunts has 3 kids but never takes care of them. And then the other aunts been married like 3 times.
I mean I have this thing where…you’re past kinda dictates your present. I already have a healthy phobia of having a relationship since I messed up one. I mean its kinda fear of abandonment but also something more. I mean I really don’t want to get married and then have this idiot sleeping around because I have no patience for that kinda shit. You know once was enough thank you. Then I was talking to my mom and she was criticizing my cousin for living with a man without being married. I was like hell yes that’s my plan. I mean look I can’t even fathom the thought of having a boyfriend people. Like I’m super close to Dan and people assume that were together but nope nope we’re not. I’m sure it could work if we tried really hard but—I have phobias as does he so we run the show this way. I mean that’s me 30 years old living with a guy for the last like 10 years and still not married! I mean no no couldn’t deal with being married and then being left oh hell no. I mean my thinking is as such that if I’m not labely attached to someone then it’s not so bad you know. Like (I’m using Dan because he’s the only male friend I have over here so he’s just the easiest thing.) if Dan went off and turned into a man slut and got stupid it would bother me sure but hey I’m not his girlfriend so he doesn’t have to answer or explain himself to me. That applies to all my male friends I’m not their mom I’m not their girlfriend and thus they don’t have to explain any of their actions to me. But also Just like if I decided to turn into a slut or something they can be mad but I don’t have to answer to them because they’re not my boyfriend you know. It’s like a self defense thing I guess but if your married, or together as a boyfriend/girlfriend deal(which is like the easy bake oven of relationships—marriage being the real stove) then oh hell yes you owe me a freakin’ explanation you know?
And people you really don’t want to see Kim pissed and jealous no no no. I lived like all of 9th grade and a good part of 10th that way and it was not pretty people. I mean I’m dangerous when I get that way. To myself and others. I mean those were dark dark dark days I mean I was RECKLESS I didn’t care about anything. My grades got shot to hell and I was angry all the time and I really don’t want to be that way ever again. I was a wounded animal and I was just looking to kill anybody didn’t matter for what. In all seriousness it’s just not something I wanna go through again. I mean since OBVIOUSLY women in my family have bad luck with men and no no not me. Not me oh no! Maybe we just have bad taste in men like the wounded fucked up type…or maybe we’re all masochists….or maybe all strong males are jerks..hmmm….
Hahah you guys feel the paranoia? Oh yeah and then I have this thing where if a guy gets too close to me emotionally I reject them. I sabotage myself. Seriously and it is sad to see. Like if you don’t mean to much to me I’ll let you down easy but Like if I really liked you—you’re in trouble. I will demolish you. Destroy you to save you. It’s sad really it is and I’ve only found two other people wired that way. Josh and Dan. I mean that’s why me and Dan are so close it’s really odd because one of our little jokes when we talk to one another and are having a serious conversation is I could kill you just as easily as you could kill me. That’s basically that concept of wow I really trust this person that’s not good. But the thing is this our usual tactic won’t work because we’ll both react the same way so we’re both screwed you know?
And I’m that way with all of my friends too. Like I don’t think I would ever do this to Peter but if one day I thought he and I were too close(which…closer I can’t imagine unless we were the same person) then I would destroy him. And I’d hate myself but if I got spooked I would do it. I can’t explain why I do it to you guys. But I know I do it.
You see what you did Lisette! You gave me all this time to think and look. I’m actually writing this all in a good mood oh God that can’t be good right. Oh well I mean I’m not sad or anything I’m just kinda looking at myself and seeing where the wires got crossed.
Hmm…well yes this was your dose of Kim’s malfunctions. Jonnell is making me a birthday present ^-^ I have no clue what of though she gave me this clue though
It’s her version of me. Neato in a very Jonnell way. Jonnell is lots of fun. I remember when I first met her and she asked me what I wanted for my birthday I told her a book of her poems. LoL maybe that’s what she’s making! Anyway yeah that one poem I put up a long time ago (Antieuphoria) was a collaboration piece between me and her that we did during graduation test. We did it like in chunks and then we rearranged our chunks to make it make sense it turned out good to us since we’ve never worked with other people before. I like talking to her…she’s like 2 maybe 3 years older than me but I can sit and talk to her until the moon crashes…I don’t think we’ve ever had an argument…yupe lol I tell her stuff at random…it’s weird like stuff that people forever harass me about like why I wear two crosses and why I act the way I do and my speech pattern things people won’t shut up about Jonnell never asks but she gets the reasons straight outta no where. It’s weird….
By the way I’m writing this in word because blogger is mad at me so I started this morning and I just kinda add to it whenever I come by here so yes…that’s why it’s so long.
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